021

DATELINE -- D\SSELDORF, GERMANY (RP) - Panic gripped the island nation of Germany this week as it realized that, without any warning whatsoever, it had become an island nation instead of being securely tucked into the middle of Europe like before.  As if that weren't enough of a shock, Americans Jack and Carrie Carney were visiting.

"It was danged weird", one German official was quoted as saying, "I mean, suddenly I was speaking English, and saying things like 'danged'.   Never did that before."

The couple, on a whirlwind jaunt of this this sometimes-island nation, were visiting their son, a displaced American who currently resides in D|sseldorf with his wife (a Fulbright scholar) and writes a weekly humor column that he tries very hard not to keep completely secret (an oft-times futile attempt).  These temporary residents have attempted to show the visiting Tennessee couple all of the highlights of the NordRheinwestfalen area of the country, including the Cologne Cathedral, the burial place of the Emperor Charlemagne, and of course the sacred and holy spot (revered by all Germans) where all the "Germania"-style Beanie Babies are kept.  This last quest was, of course, the most foolhardy, as people who collect Beanie Babies can be so fanatical as to commandeer armies to protect their supply.  Ordinarily not even this would have stopped Mrs. Carney, who is not a Beanie Baby collector herself but who is acting on behalf of a collector back home.  Tragically, however, not a single "Germania"-style Beanie Baby was to be found in all of the NordRheinwestfalen area of Germany, and we can only hope that this will not drive Mrs. Carney's friend back home to do anything foolish, since Mrs. Carney's friend back home gave this reporter and his wife their marriage license and therefore has access to the government's only legal copy of said document.

Meanwhile, Mr. Carney, who would certainly have been happy to tell everyone about the Cologne Cathedral, Charlemagne, and any other snippets of truly ancient history he'd seen was, near the end of the visit, completely waylaid by one of the most dangerous organizations in this loose collection of tropical islands we call Germany -- a model train shop.  Mr. Carney did allow himself to be removed from said shop before too much of his and his wife's retirement money could be spent, but nevertheless doctors believe he may retain no memory of the trip prior to the model train shop.

Many people have speculated on the meaning of such a visit, coming as it does at this particular time and in these particular circumstances, but opinions differ on whether the Carneys are over here as see-it-all, do-it-all tourists or whether they are simply spies.  Both opinions are denied feverishly by every government representative we were able to get to answer the question, namely the Under-Secretary to the Special Assistant to the Secretary of Foreign Affairs in Greenland, and some guy who answered the phone at the Belgian Consulate. 

Still, national security questions persist.  There has been some speculation that Mrs. Carney's chocolate-chip cookies, the recipe to which is a state secret, could be used to destroy any opposing armies, since they'd be too busy eating them to fight anybody.  Also, Mr. Carney, who climbed to the top of both the Cologne Cathedral and the D|sseldorf Rheinturm (television tower) with extensive photographic equipment, may have been posing as a tourist taking pictures to hide the fact that he was taking reconnaissance pictures of the landscape for some unknown security purposes.

Whatever they are up to, they are being closely watched by this reporter and his wife, and you can be sure that they will not be allowed to-  what's that?  Oh, look!  Dad brought us real macaroni and cheese!  Kelly, look!   Oh, thanks for the cookies, Mom . . .  ummm . . . well, like I was saying, this report thinks these kind people probably don't mean any harm . . . just forget I said anything . . .

Next week:  To my sister:   Hi!  Too bad you didn't read this week's column, boy, was it ever funny! -- but since you told me that this part is all you read, I'd like to thank you again for the shirts and tell you that Mom always liked me best.  Nyah Nyah Nyah.